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Below are the 24 most recent journal entries.

	2008.07.31  14.18 Your Roots Grow New Beginnings you said you'd leave there but your roots have grown deep now you said you'd join me but I don't know how too long I've waited for a fairytale ending well it's not coming, so here's to new beginnings

	2008.07.31  14.17 Stand for Me Take a stand, before I fall catch my hand, give me your all this love could make or break me

	2008.07.31  14.15 Tipped Hourglass Your shades of gray are more than I can stand I pull away, that's when you reach for my hand the give and take, a game that everyone can see I give, you take, but what's in it for me? the clock ticks as moments wast away if I tipped the hourglass, what would you say? You have a choice and I have an ultimatum take your chances before I take them I won't make this game my life

	2008.04.05  19.46 Why am I here? Shove me against the wall demand that I am yours because I still don't, still don't believe I am empty Did you know that I am empty? I am empty with and without you So why am I here? I lay awake at night beside you and wonder, dreamlessly, why am I here? Your sleeping form breathes no answer Still, in tears I beg response Why am I here? Only silence as you slumber and your steady breath, in out in

	2008.03.05  22.52 [Bruises for Posterity] I look in the mirror to find a girl who looks beaten, bruises of varying sizes and color decorating her pale, fragile frame. One here, two there, and there two laid one on top the other. Dark marks, possessive marks (another, another, and here, and there, too) all belonging to one fragile, persistent mouth. I know what others would think, I've heard the remarks. These bruises of posterity look whorish and trashy. But to me, to me I have never looked as beautiful as I do now, beaten and claimed with this black and blue kisses.

	2008.02.28  22.58 [Silence] I am reaching out to see you flinch but you lean into my touch since when? How long? silence I wait for you to see me as I am I once thought you were like me jaded, tainted, wanted but unworthy but you are not like me you have maintained your beauty and in your eyes I see shards of innocence. since when? how long? silence. You are not like me you have retained your self worth while I am worthless. Some have not seen my darkness you see it, but do not balk it is shades of gray to others you have known. But it is my darkness. It is what seperates me. It is what ensnares me. But it is nothing to you. Since when? How long? silence. I am nothing special. I am not ugly, nor am I beautiful. Interesting nor boring. I am unremarkable, you must see that I am unremarkable. I am unremarkable. Always. Always. Silence.

	2008.02.28  15.57 [Substance] Maybe if you were less beautiful I could subsist on more than water I ache for substance, though I subsist only on water and your beauty A breath of thoughtless air, I own nothing. Not even you. Breathless, I am, I am breathless with and without you

	2008.02.14  00.44 [What Only We Know] We say we love each other but tell no-one else, we know what others would think (whisper, whisper) over a year ago she told me she loved me (whisper, whisper) though I did not say it back because I knew she would not choose me (whisper whisper) but time has changed and so have we and now we find ourselves in each other's arms (finally) holding tight and saying everything we had secretly felt for years (whisper, gasp!) now people look at us and see us the way we were when we were hidden and seem surprised and annoyed by our intrinsic need to be in each other's presence to hold, to kiss, to touch Still, we say very little even to those closest to us because no-one is allowed to know what we have known all along no-one is allowed to see what we saw all along A connection.

	2008.02.14  00.40 [Aching to Ache] I remind myself of you daily you still creep into my thoughts and when you do not, I force myself aching to miss you aching to love you but I do not still I do not think that anyone will ever love me half as much as you did still I think you are the only one who will try to be everything I need but to be honest despite your efforts though you tried to be everything I wanted the one thing I didn't want was you though you tried to be everything I needed I did not need you could one dictate that heart I would tell it to love you, God knows I've tried I would tell it to want you, to ache, to pine but I do not still, every day I remind myself of you good times and bad and when memories come to life like deja vu with my new love in your place I ache to ache for your presence but I do not because though you are someone I could only be someone without you

	2008.02.10  22.06 [Midnight Panic] In the most intimate of situations I begin to beg, beg, beg for more at first it's geniune, slightly playful and then it becomes gripping, painful I need, need, need more met with gentle and seductive mockery But then, for the first time in months, a midnight panic comes on full blast I begin to, "Nevermind, nothing, it's nothing" to every, "Please what?" I begin to, "I'm sorry, you don't have to" stammering and stuttering and shifty eyes and suddenly she becomes aware "Baby, what's wrong?" and I shake my head, whisper a feeble "Nothing, it's nothing, I'm okay," and she leans in and just-so-happens to brush her face across a vagrant tear Concern consumes her and she becomes all questions, asking me and I whisper apologies, feeble and murmured like prayers to an unforgiving god until she gently and slowly calms the hurricane to a little raincloud, whispering love and adoration she says always and it hits me like a bullet train, I thought she was the one who kept in mind the time? Slowly the she pries away the Panic's grip on me and I explain, softly, that it comes on when I feel like I ask too much, or when I feel w o r t h l e s s or a s h a m e d more loving words exchanged and we are eased into a gentle sleep And in the morning I wondered to myself In the three months of midnight panics, why could you not save me not once the way she did?

	2008.02.07  23.29 [Limited] A familiar clinging tendency sticks to me my obsessive qualities ask me to, command that I treat you as I did the one before you. Like a lifeline, life saver, like the blood in my veins. I sense that you wouldn't mind, but the limited time of our intertwining lives seems more prevalent in your mind than in mine. I remember when you go and all the spaces between notes, yet I don't care. I tell myself not to make you my everything in fear of losing once again, and though I know that I could still abandon all reason I don't think you could, would ever do the same with me. To be onest, I still believe despite your new ownership of me that you could not would not will not ever love me deeply. I am a minute blip in the span of your life, unnecessary, hardly acknowledged. Yet in your presence I ache for something, a particular something more. Love. Could you, would you, will you ever, love me?

	2008.02.04  22.57 [Us and Everyone We Know] We hold hands, glances are exchanged among others, eyebrows go up silent questions asked across the distance Then we meet eyes, and blush and touch our foreheads together, aware yet oblivious Everyone knows, and we know everyone sees, and we see each other

	2008.01.29  23.32 [Cotton] I remember a time our eyes never met I would duck and dash to move as her eyes glanced by Now my mouth is moving and saying things I had not planned, my eyes water as I realize how far I would go to please others I say, "I would have to be her partner, because she would expect me to be." I realize how dutiful my affections can be. How lifeless. She lifts my head and whispers her love for me, and I stare deeply into her eyes, trying to memorize it's depths I am telling her I won't see her again until she's mine or atleast until she knows what she's doing and she nods softly, acknowledgement, accepting though clearly not desiring the distance, I whisper that I'll miss her and our lips meet as if delaying the last It's a soft acknowledgment, not fleece or silk but cotton.

	2008.01.28  23.28 [Ping Pong Answers] Look me in the eye tell me you would die for her and I'll leave Look me in the heart tell me you would try for me and I'll stay But I won't play this game this back and forth I will not be that girl for much longer Look me in the eye look me in the heart tell me where to go say if I should start to let you go or let you in Just let me know

	2008.01.22  16.19 I catch your every look, your every glance in my direction, I see them all And I smile to myself when she says she loves you as I walk by, loud enough for me to hear I expect not to see you upclose to walk by you, set in our own perfect lines in opposite directions Always parallel, of course But chance brings us in each other's path, we are not allowed to speak, to look but as we brush past each other our hands catch and hold even as we keep walking, until we can no longer reach Unnoticed, perhaps, by many but special, still, to me

	2008.01.21  12.24 [Half-empty, yet Half-full] I drove her home, normal speed but somewhat regretful, because I knew it may be the last time she stayed with me she whispered her love and I told her I would miss her I said I would miss her being my girl and she said she would miss it, too a kiss and two and three and four prolonged goodbye outside her door and as I drove home I realized that my need for someone else had waned and I almost fell in love with my newfound ability to love without pining, yearning, or craving the way I always have I know I will pass by them in the hallways and our little glances will be enough of an acknowledgment for me I am completely incomplete both with and without her

	2008.01.20  19.59 [Adult skin] My mother cries for the life she's leaving behind she has always worked to give our family the best now she is having to downsize, settle for less I do not cry. There is nothing here that I will miss. Except, perhaps being able to trace the memories that linger in these walls. But what else is there? I embrace the fact that life is not fair I accept my burdens gracefully ready to walk the distance I only struggle with the things saved for posterity, I have held on to them all, for all of this time and now the choice, to save or throw away? I still save most of it. But I stare warily at the bundle of dried flowers still resting on my desk. They would not survive the move, but I'm not sure I could leave them behind. I suppose that it is time to move on and so I will, I will move on and slide into this adult skin I'm moving out, and moving in

	2008.01.20  19.42 [Completely Incomplete] We lay together, my head on her shoulder my body strewn across hers, her arm around me I have woken from my nap, but she still sleeps peacefully, waking gracefully every time I stroke her hair, or her cheek, and smiles soft just long enough to fall just as swiftly back to sleep it's strange to me, that I know that I will miss her but that I don't need her, nor will I long for her the way I used to, I don't ask her to be with me, nor expect her dutiful love and admiration, I expect and ask for nothing. Later, as she helps me pack my things she tells me she could never be with me, because she'd be afraid of fucking things up, like she says she usually does. And I whisper in her ear that I have always fucked things up, too. And that I would never treat her to a double-standard, that I know what it's like to be human, to have flaws, make mistakes that I would expect nothing more or less of her Because I am just like her and she is just like me We will never be together but we will never need to be

	2008.01.03  23.37 [better] How can I tell her that I love her but I don't want to be with her? I consider taking a time apart, but is that wise? I dream of her and wonder of her and miss being in her arms but still no passion in me lies And so soon I might fake ambivalence to ease her troubled times better that she hate me than know what's on my mind

	2008.01.03  22.37 [#] I had seen her walking my way and kept walking, but she rushed to grab my arm, asking "Did he give you my note?" Figures that she would use such a medium since I had given her my number in a note before winter break at the time, I was interested but then I heard she was dense and a pot head, too my interest dwindled But it was so adorable, I haven't seen someone look so excited to see me in ages I remind myself that I'm not in it for the long run now I'm in it for companionship, and fun I was with L for nearly five months in all she smoked every week of it killed braincells every week of it but she was good company, and maybe maybe A will be, too

	2007.12.30  12.56 [] I think she asked for a few days to herself both in the hopes that it would help her crave me less and that I might crave her like I used to I miss her. Boxes of her things are moved to the top of my closet, out of reach I grab her shirt and inhale I find her perfume and spray it on my wrist I imagine laying with her I remember days we spent together But I don't need her like I once needed her like she still needs me there was a time she completed me now I am hollow I am empty but she is unable to fill that void and I refuse to complete her I don't pine for her, there is no yearning my love has changed to something else but what is it? I could lay with her for hours, days but if she touched me out of passion I would stop her, or otherwise be a body I love her, but I am not in love with her

	2007.12.26  01.45 [fill this void] I will make you a filler but God it will be so grand to live without caring for the future, I could do that with you. I could never, ever fall in love with you but God, it could be so grand to be a kid again

	2007.12.25  23.38 [Murder] You didn't always kill me on the inside, you know There were times when all the bad things that happened were just a pin prick on this flesh but as time went on I had to cut over old scars, and the dots formed lines and pictures that held no meaning to anyone but me (but) I have no scars no cuts, no marks Yet anyone who knows me can see that I stabbed me on the inside, yes, you stabbed me underneath

	2007.12.25  22.11 [] Slowly the things that remind me of you move to the boxes in my closet one by one I put them away like my feelings for you